THE TOP TEN BEST EXCUSES FOR NOT GOING TO WORK

10.  I've used up all my sick days, so I'd like to call in dead.

9.  I'm just checking in to make sure everything is okay with my not coming in today. I hope you haven't forgotten about our little agreement at last year's Christmas party.

8.   My stigmata's acting up.

7,  Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.

6.  I'm stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the supermarket.

5.  My dog ate my car keys. Now we're going to hitchhike to the vet.

4.  If it's all the same to you I won't be coming in to work. The voices told me to stay home and clean all my guns today.

3.  My mother-in-law has come back as one of the un-dead and we must find her coffin and drive a stake through her heart and give her eternal peace. One day should do it.

2.  I just found out I was switched at birth. Legally, I shouldn't come to work knowing my employee records may now contain false information.

1.  When I got up this morning I took a laxative in addition to my Prozac. Now I can't leave the bathroom, but I feel good about it.

The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, an Anchorage man answered his door...to find two, grim-faced Alaska State Troopers.

"We're sorry Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife," said one trooper.

"Tell me! Did you find her?" Wilkens shouted.

The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news; some good news; and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"

Fearing the worst, an ashen Mr. Wilkens said, "Give me the bad news first."
The trooper said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in Kachemak Bay."

"Oh my God!" exclaimed Wilkens. Swallowing hard, he asked, "What's the good news?"

The trooper continued: "When we pulled her up, she had two... 25-pound king crabs...and 6-good-size Dungeness crabs on her."

Stunned...Mr. Wilkens demanded, "If that's the good news, what's the great news?"

The trooper said, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

Understanding Engineers


To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

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A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.

The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!"

The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!"

The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him."

"Hi George! Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greens keeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire-fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them."

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

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What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons and Civil Engineers build targets.

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The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"   The graduate with an Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

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Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer." Just look at all the joints."

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."

The last one said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

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"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it.
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

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An engineer was crossing a road one-day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."

He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week."

The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.

The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want."

Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.

Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm beautiful princess, and that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog...now THAT'S cool."

With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week.  Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93.  The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.

WE GOT RULES AROUND HERE

THE RULES:
We always hear "the rules" from the female side. Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.
   
   
2. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
   
   
3. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
   
   
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
   
   
5. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
   
   
6. Crying is blackmail.
   
   
7. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
   
   
8. We don't remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on the calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
   
   
9. Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
   
   
10. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
    
    
11. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
    
    
12. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
    
    
13. Check your oil! Please.
    
    
14. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
    
    
15. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We refuse to answer.
    
    
16. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
    
    
17. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
    
    
18. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
    
    
19. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
    
    
20. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your girlfriends.
    
    
21. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
    
    
22. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
    
    
23. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
    
    
24. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
    
    
25. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
    
    
26. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
    
    
27. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
    
    
28. You have enough clothes.
    
    
29. You have too many shoes.
    
    
30. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what the hell they're saying anyway.)
    
    
31. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn't matter which quiz.
    
    
32. I am in shape. ROUND is a shape.
    
    

A PUN IS THE LOWEST FORM OF HUMOR, AND HERE'S PROOF:

1. Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
2. A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
3. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
4. Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
5. A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
6. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.
7. Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.
8. Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
9. Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.
10. When two egoists meet, it's an I for an I.
11. A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.
12. Definition of a will: A dead give away.
13. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
14. In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.
15. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
16. If you don't pay your exorcist, do you get repossessed?
17. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
18. When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.
19. You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.
20. Local Area Network in Australia: the LAN down under.
21. A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.
22. A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.
23. Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.
24. Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.
25. Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
26. Acupuncture is a jab well done.

TAKE OFF, QUICK!

During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there!  I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"

Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically. "Now, you've screwed up everything; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"

"The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am".

The ground control frequency went terribly silent; none of the aircrews wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

USELESS TRIVIA

There's no Betty Rubble in the Flintstones Chewables Vitamins.

The first product to have a UPC bar code was Wrigley's gum.

February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have a full moon.

Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.

Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.

The winter of 1932 was so cold that Niagara Falls froze completely solid.

"Typewriter" is the longest word that can be made using the letters on only one     row of the keyboard.

Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

The king of hearts is the only king without a mustache.

Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.

Babies are born without kneecaps. They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 4     years of age.

There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order:     "abstemious" and "facetious."

Pearls dissolve in vinegar.

Venus is the only planet that rotates clockwise.

It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

No words in the English language rhyme with "month", "orange", "silver", or     "purple".

Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.

Oak trees do not produce acorns until they are at least fifty years old.

"Stewardesses" is the longest word typed with only the left hand and "lollipop"     with your right.

No piece of paper can be folded in half more than seven (7) times.

A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one can explain why.

Turtles can breathe through their butts.

Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room in a dance hall.

The second U.S. President who's name contains all the letters from the word     "criminal" was William Jefferson Clinton.

The first was Richard Milhouse Nixon.

IN PRAISE OF BEER

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.   Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams.   If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered.   I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." -- Babe Ruth

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case.   Coincidence? I think not. -- H.L. Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk.   When we get drunk, we fall asleep.   When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.  When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.  So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven! -- George Bernard Shaw

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer.   Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry

Beer: helping ugly people have sex since 3000 b.c. -- W.C. Fields

Remember, "I" before "E", except in Budweiser. -- Professor Irwin Corey

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway

To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a "support group." -- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm.  "Well ya see, Norm, it's like this.   A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo.   And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.  This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.   In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.   Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kill brain cells.   But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.   In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine!   That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

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December 18

WHO READS WHAT NEWSPAPER ?

• The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
  
• The New York Times is read by people who think they run the country.
  
  
• The Washington Post is read by people who think they ought to run the country.
  
  
• USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don't understand the Washington Post.
  
  
• The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn't mind running the country, if they could spare the time.
  
  
• The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.
  
  
• The New York Daily News is read by people who aren't too sure who's running the country.
  
  
• The New York Post is read by people who don't care who's running the country, as long as they do something scandalous.
  
  
• The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren't sure there is a country, or that anyone is running it.
  
  
• The Miami Herald is read by people who are already running another country.
  
  

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"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful." Robert De Niro

"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant." George Burns

"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." Jack Nicholson

"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." George Burns

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner

"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope." Camille Paglia

"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone

"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps." Tiger Woods

"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night." Rodney Dangerfield

"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." Barbara Bush

"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place."Billy Crystal

"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"Dustin Hoffman

"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked'." Jerry Seinfeld

" It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers

" Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy." Steve Martin

" You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life." Elwood J.Krotchbaum

THE OFFICE OF THE SECRETARY OF HEALTH AND WELFARE SAYS THE AVERAGE COST FOR A NURSING HOME IS $206 PER DAY.

I have checked on reservations at Holland America Cruises and you can get a long term senior discount price of $135.00 per day .

That leaves $71.00 a day for:

1. Gratuities which will only be $10.00 per day.

2. You can have as many as 10 meals a day if you can waddle to the restaurant, or you can have room service ( breakfast in bed every day of the week.)

3. Holland America has as many as three swimming pools, a workout room, free washers and dryers, movies, TV and stage shows every night,

4. They have free toothpaste and razors, and all the free soap and shampoo. just ask your room steward.

5. They will even treat you like a customer, not a patient. An extra $5.00 bucks worth of tips will have the entire staff scrambling to help you.

6. You get to meet new people every 7 or 14 days.

7. T.V. broken? Light Bulb need changing? need to have the mattress replaced? No Problem! They will fix everything and apologize for your inconvenience.

8. Clean sheets and towels every day and you don't even have to ask for them.

9. If you fall in the nursing home and break a hip you are on Medicare, If you fall and break a hip on Holland America they will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life (can't beat that).

10. If you want to see South America, the Panama Canal, Tahiti, Australia, New Zealand, Asia, Europe...anywhere Holland America goes, so, just check out the math.

AND, when your time comes they just dump you over the side, at no charge.

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CHILDREN'S BOOK TITLES YOU'LL NEVER SEE ON THE BEST SELLER LIST

A woman and a man were involved in a car accident. Both of their cars were totally demolished, but amazingly, neither of them were hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said, "So, you're a man - that's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but fortunately we are both unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends, and live together in peace for the rest of our days."

The man thoughtfully replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"

The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune."

Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it, and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, and immediately put the cork back in, and handed it back to the man. In surprise, he asked, "Aren't you having any?"

"No," the woman replied, "I think I'll just wait for the police..."

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the Kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?", she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"

The husband looks up from his coffee." Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 16?" he asks solemnly.

"Yes I do," she replies.

The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"

"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues: "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"

"I remember that too," she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."

Subject:  Diesel cars and trucks... noise....smoke... Why no smog tests?

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Remember: "I" before "E," except as in "Budweiser".

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A golfer asked his friend, "Why are you so late?" The friend replied, "It's Sunday. I had to toss a coin between going to church or playing golf and it took 25 tosses to get it right!"

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A gushy reporter told Jack Nicklaus, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?" Nicklaus replied, "The holes are numbered".

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Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody iron standing over a lifeless man. The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?" "Yes" says the woman. "Did you hit him with that golf club?" "Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face. "How many times did you hit him?" "I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times ... just put me down for five.

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker-function and begins to talk.   Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ...go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2004 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing....the house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.  Then he asks, "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

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