One good thing about Alzheimer's is
you get to meet new people every day.
The U.S. Congress
100 Senators; 435 Representatives;
Taxation WITH representation Ain't much fun either!
- customer service notice -
Helen Waite is now in charge of all rush orders.
If you are in a hurry, just go to Helen Waite.
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of ten million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court. When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks he embezzled from me is."
The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is.
The bookkeeper signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The attorney tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The attorney signs to the bookkeeper, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!"
The bookkeeper signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!"
The Godfather asks the attorney, "Well, what'd he say?"
The attorney replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
Lawyers...You gotta love 'em.
HI, MY MAN IS IN THE WHITEHOUSE, I'M HEAVILY ARMED AND I HAVE A BIBLE
NOW CHEAPER THAN GAS!
DRINK, DON'T DRIVE
It's lonely at the top
but you eat better.
I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
I have enough money to last me the rest of my life. (unless I buy something)
I asked God for a bike. But I know God doesn't work that way.
So I stole a bike and asked God for forgiveness.
A practical alternative to work
The buck doesn't even slow down here Keep Going.
Save the whales! ... Collect a whole set.
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
I got a sweater for Christmas.
What I really wanted was a screamer or a moaner.
For my next magic trick, I'll need a condom and a volunteer
If there is no god, who pops up the next kleenex?
Stupidity is not a handicap! Park elsewhere!
If your feet smell and your nose runs, you're built upside down.
THINGS YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR DURING SURGERY
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500 ml of this stuff before?
Nurse, did this patient sign the organ donation card?
Ya' know... there's big money in kidneys... and this guy's got two of 'em.
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
Damm! There go the lights again...
What's this doing here?
That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?!
Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Sterile, schemerle. The floor's clean, right?
What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change?
OK, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature.
This patient has already had some kids, am I correct?
Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
Isn't this the guy with the really lousy insurance?
If aliens are smart enough to travel through space,
why do they keep abducting the dumbest people on earth?
When you get old and your kids ask where all the money went,
show them the vacation videos.
Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.
Hard work never killed anyone, But why chance it?
DISCOURAGE INBREEDING - BAN COUNTRY MUSIC -
The Last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
The second mouse gets the cheese.
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. ...So I said, "Implants?"
Dyslexics Have More Nuf.
Here is a sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Arizona:
1. Keep Your Back Straight, Knees Bent & Feet Shoulder-Width Apart.
2. Form a Loose Grip.
3. Keep Your Head Down.
4. Avoid a Quick Backswing.
5. Stay Out of the Water.
6. Try Not to Hit Anyone.
7. If You are Taking Too Long, Let Others Go Ahead of You.
8. Don't Stand Directly in Front of Others.
9. Quiet Please... While Others are Preparing.
10. Don't Take Extra Strokes.
WELL DONE! NOW FLUSH THE URINAL & GO PLAY GOLF.
Welcome to Utah Set your watch back 20 years.
Life would be so much easier if we just had the source code.
Never Go to Bed Angry. Stay Awake and Plot Your Revenge
My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
Failure is not an option!
It comes bundled with the software.
With all the sadness and trauma going on in the world at the moment, it is worth reflecting on the death of a very important person, which almost went unnoticed last week. Larry LaPrise, the man who wrote "The Hokey Pokey", died peacefully at age 93. The most traumatic part for his family was getting him into the coffin. They put his left leg in. And then the trouble started.
The faulty interface lies between the chair and the keyboard.
I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.
Evolution created anchovies. Man's ignorance put them on pizza.
Police are called to an apartment and find a woman holding a bloody golf club standing over a lifeless man.
The detective asks, "Ma'am, is that your husband?"
"Yes" says the woman.
"Did you hit him with that five iron?"
"Yes, yes, I did." The woman begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her, hands on her face.
"How many times did you hit him?"
"I don't know, five, six, maybe seven times ... just put me down for five.
Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!
Heaven is Where:
The Police are British,
The Chefs are Italian,
The Mechanics are German,
The Lovers are French
It's all organized by the Swiss.
Hell is Where:
The Police are German,
The Chefs are British,
The Mechanics are French,
The Lovers are Swiss
It's all organized by the Italians.
I gave up smoking, drinking and sex. It was the worst fifteen minutes of my life.
Kinky is using a feather.
Perverted is using the whole chicken.
I can only please one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.
CHILDREN'S BOOK TITLES
THAT NEVER MADE IT TO THE BEST SELLER LIST
You Were an Accident
Strangers Have the Best Candy
The Magic World Inside the Abandoned Refrigerator
The Boy Who Died From Eating All His Vegetables
Your Nightmares Are Real!
Grandpa Gets a Casket
Dad’s New Wife, Robert
Curious George and the High Voltage Fence
The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
Whining, Kicking and Screaming To Get Your Way
What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog?
Why Can't Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends?
Daddy Drinks Because You Cry
To catch rabbits,
Hide behind a bush and do carrot calls.
Always give 100% at work:
A Clean Desk
is a sign of a messy deskdrawer
A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory
1955 - 1975: 36 Elvis movies. 1975 - 2011: Nothing.
Two rights do not make a wrong. They make an airplane.
Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.
FOLLOW YOUR DREAMS!
Except that one where you're naked in church.
I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
WANTED: A meaningful overnight relationship.
Question: Which is worse, Ignorance or Apathy?
Answer: I don't know and I don't care.
I FOUND JESUS! He was in my trunk when I got back from Tijuana,
PATRONS ARE REQUESTED TO REFRAIN FROM DISPOSING OF
THEIR CIGARETTE BUTTS IN THE URINAL AS THEY BECOME SOGGY AND DIFFICULT TO LIGHT.
Power corrupts and
absolute power is kinda neat.
I LOVE COOKING WITH WINE
Sometimes I even put it in the food.
If life serves you lemons, make lemonade.
If life gives you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.
God Made Pot. Man Made Beer. Who Do You Trust?
If Noah had been smart he would have swatted those two flies.
If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you even tried.
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
I need someone really bad. Are you really bad?
No one ever says, "It's only a game."
when their team is winning.
I still miss my ex. but my aim is getting better!
A man rushed into the doctor's office and shouted, "Doctor! I think I'm
shrinking!!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just
have to be a little patient."
It's a small world so you have to use your elbows a lot.
If a thing is worth doing it would have been done already.
If your voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
Remember, half the people in the world are below average.
Corduroy pillows are making headlines!
Blood is thicker than water
and tastier, too.
Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles
I want to die while asleep like my grandfather, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
What if the Hokey Pokey really is what it's all about?
When things look dark, hold your head up high so it can rain up your nose.
WHATEVER HITS THE FAN WILL NOT BE DISTRIBUTED EVENLY.
It may be your sole purpose in life
to simply serve as a warning to others.
It was announced today that Fairchild Electronics will be merging with Honeywell Computers.
The new company will be called Fairwell Honeychild.
Gargling twice a day is a good way to see if your throat leaks.
Other than that,
Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?
I can't rememberer whether I'm the good twin or the evil twin.
SOME DAYS IT'S JUST NOT WORTH GNAWING THROUGH THE STRAPS.
People who say you can't buy happiness just don't know where to shop.
Join the army
Travel the world, Meet interesting people And kill them.
A marine biologist developed a species of genetically engineered dolphins
that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day
his supply of the birds ran out, so he had to go out and trap some more. On
the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them,
he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged
with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.
Don't sweat the petty things. Don't pet the sweaty things.
24 hours in a day
24 beers in a case
I think not!
If we weren't meant to eat animals
then why are they made of meat?
Ham and Eggs
A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.
FortOgden.com has no financial or administrative connection to any cruise line or travel agency.
I was only looking at your nametag, honest!
the land of the voting dead
As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news
that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
What is a free gift? Aren't all gifts free?
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house.
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
emordnilap is palindrome spelled backwards.
TAKE OFF, QUICK!
During a taxi run, the crew of a US AIR flight to Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground controller (a female) screamed, "US Air 2771, where are you going? I told you to turn right on "Charlie" taxiway; you turned right on "Delta". Stop right there! I know it's difficult to tell the difference between C's & D's, but get it right!"
Continuing her lashing to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically. "Now, you've screwed up everything; it'll take forever to sort this out. You stay right there and don't move until I tell you to! Then, I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you. You got that, US Air 2771?"
"The humbled crew responded, "Yes, Ma'am".
The ground control frequency went terribly silent; none of the air crews wanted to engage the irate ground controller in her current state. Tension in every cockpit at the airport was running high. Then an unknown male pilot broke the silence and asked, "Wasn't I married to you once?"
They call it "PMS" because "Mad Cow Disease" was already taken.
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and
goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of
coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee. "What's the matter, dear?",
she whispers as she steps into the room, "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up from his coffee." Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating,
and you were only 16?", he asks solemnly.
"Yes I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught
us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues: "Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said,
either you marry my daughter, or I'll send you to jail for 20 years?"
"I remember that too," she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, "I would have gotten out today."
It's not whether you win or lose, but how you place the blame.
We have enough youth. How about a fountain of "smart"?
When you work here, you can name your own salary.
I named mine, "Fred".
The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
A fool and his money
can throw one hell of a party.
when blondes have more fun do they know it?
Five days a week my body is a temple. The other two it's an amusement park.
LEARN FROM YOUR PARENTS' MISTAKES
THE CHLAMYDIA YOU GOT IN VEGAS WILL NOT ACTUALLY STAY IN VEGAS
WELCOME TO VIRGINIA
Two Hundred Years of History Unimpeded by Progress
money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.
Don't Drink and Drive
You might hit a bump and spill something.
If at first you don't succeed skydiving is not for you.
Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
I like cats too. Let's exchange recipes.
Time's fun when you're having flies.
......Kermit the Frog
We are born naked, wet and hungry.
Then things get worse.
Red meat is not bad for you
Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
Police station toilet stolen ....Cops have nothing to go on.
Ninety-nine percent of all lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Jesus saves sinners
and redeems them for cash and valuable prizes.
Friends don't let friends take ugly women home.
But, what if I want the one in the bush?
Xerox and Wurlitzer will merge to produce reproductive organs.
Alabama state motto:
At least we're not Mississippi
Gaseous clouds have been detected around Uranus.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE IS NO MATCH FOR NATURAL STUPIDITY.
using both hands
The more I learn about terrorism, the more I understand the phone company.
The latest survey shows that three out of four people make up 75% of the population.
Full noodle frontery will not be displayed on Fort Ogden pages. This site contains a substantial amount
of non-tobacco ingredients. We support the natural release of dihydrogen monoxide from the atmosphere. We also comply with the data
recycling act of 1997. We respect and celebrate St. Swithin's Day. This site is Y2K Complacent.
We fully support efforts to save the world's remaining octothorpes in their natural habitat.
The surgeon general warns that doing most anything can be harmful. Member of FDIC. Batteries not included.
Some assembly may be required. No animals were harmed in the testing of these pages, although some were aroused.
This site was pre-recorded for this time zone.
This statement was prepared upon the urging and advise of our legal counsel, Merryweather, Finch, Piercefeather and Snit
Our beloved founder, Elwood J. Krotchbaum, 1899~2012
May he rest in peace.
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